So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
