There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
