Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
