ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
