i jhust puked up my retainher.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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