U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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