i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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