If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
