fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize