so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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