Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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