Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
