I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize