one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
