this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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