Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
