got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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