my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's always time for handjobs
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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