If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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