I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
