the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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