you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
