I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
