I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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