4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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