so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
