Jerry, you need to find god
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
