Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
