they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize