theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
