why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
