life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
