i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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