i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
