Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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