My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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