Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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