but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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