All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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