3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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