so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
