I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
