Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
