I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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