just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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