You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
smell my finger.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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