Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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