I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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