I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
