My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
