How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
