The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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