i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
