last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
