That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
