If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
please come you make the beer taste better
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
