please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish there were birth control emojis
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
