My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
