You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
