the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
