Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
