if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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