im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
