Will you blow on my dice?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize