I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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