I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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