i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize