i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
