so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
