Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
